Ever had a time in your life when you feel like nothing is going your way? That nothing you do is worth all the hustles and struggles? Like everything you dream of is just that….a dream…a dream that will always be out of reach? Ever felt the futility of living? Cos let’s be honest, we are just bodies which are breathing and calling it living, but is it really living?
Well, maybe not everybody has ever had those feelings but i have, and I’d like to believe that am not the only one who has had them. I call it zoning out of life. Yes, it happens that frequently that i had to give it a name. I zoned out this weekend….for one and a half days. That’s the time i question every move i make. Its time to eat, and my mind goes like ‘why must you eat? that’s a lot of hustle for a few hours satisfaction’, so i go like ‘you are right….so, what should i do now?’ and the brain goes like ‘take a shot of something strong, and then smoke some weed and you will feel better’. I pretend to think about it for a while but i end up in that state of being too high to feel the munchies. No, am not a junkie, or maybe i am and am just in denial about it. Very few people survive the zoning out unscathed and those are the strong people. The fact that i end up too drunk somewhere when i zone out means am not among the strong people i speak of.
For us weaklings, we do crazy things that will never make sense after the incidence is behind us. You have sex with someone and afterwards you are baffled to have sunk that low. You pull an attention seeking move of posting nude photos of yourself on the net or making a sex tape…..the thing is, you would never do any of that when your world is right, and no, am not saying that the girls who do this kinda shit daily zone out that often, that’s their nature. Luckily for me, i didn’t do anything that crazy, at least not by my standards.
All i wanted was to curl up with a friend and open up. I wanted to call that one person who makes sense of my world when it baffles me. Who tells me everything is going to be alright and somehow that’s comforting enough for me to calm the shit in my life. I wanted to blab till my world returned to its axis and everything regained normalcy. I wanted to make the human connection that we try so hard to make in this life and take so little care of after we get it. I wanted to weep and not be asked why am crying. I wanted an emotional punchingbag that wont ask why am ‘punching’ it.
Unfortunately, i did not do nor get any of that.I called the one person i needed to talk to and he didn’t pick…..sad is life! There were plenty of other people i could have called and get very accommodating shoulders to cry on, but when you just want to talk to one person, the rest will not make sense and if they do, you won’t see the sense. That is when the alone-ness of being alone really hits you. We usually hear the phrase, “you were born alone and you will die alone” but it never makes sense till that moment when you realize just how alone you are in the world. you can never really grasp its whole meaning till you’ve had such moments of desolation.
The whole thing made me realize that no matter how much i do to try and fit in, no matter how much fun i have with others, no matter how much of myself and of my heart i give to people, i can never truly not be alone. That might come off as pathetic but in a way, that’s very comforting. Way comforting than pathetic.