yeah, that’s my ex!

Ever read an update on social media that left you cracking and you can’t seem to get it out of your head? Well, about three weeks back, I read one that said “definition of self-disgust: what I feel when I look at my ex…was I blind the whole time?” (Laughing) That is still funny and it made an impact of some sort because I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. Reading the comments that followed up that update showed clearly that girls really have issue with their exes. I remember one girl saying “at least all you feel is self disgust, I feel like I could kill myself especially when I remember that I shared his bed”! The revelations from that update made me examine my exes carefully and how I treat them, and also how some of my close friends treat their exes. So if you are an ex to some girl out there, chances are that you fall into one or two categories below, on how girls view their exes. Although it also applies to some dudes too.

The first category is the loathed ex. Yes, at one time these girls were absolutely crazy about you and you could have gotten away with anything you did to them, and probably did too. At that time, you were the perfect boyfriend but something happened along the way (the reason you are an ex) and now they just loathe you. And not just you, a part of them also hate themselves for falling for you in the first place and if asked about it right now, they will snort and admit that ‘human is to err and she is just human’. Maybe the reason they hate you is the same reason you broke up but one thing you should know about this type, they never miss an opportunity to say all kinds of things about you. Woe unto you if your pillow talks were your secrets; So, if you ever got weird looks from the girls around your neighborhood or schoolmates who happen to be her friends after you broke up, chances are that’s not coincidence. Is there a way of getting out of this category? I do not know. My guess is that it’s a phase that SOME (keyword) girls will outgrow.

Another category is the f*****d up ex. I think this is the worst kind of ex to be. So you sent her an email or a text breaking up a month ago? But I thought she told me that’s she is carrying your child a week ago? It’s not true? You don’t say! On your side, you broke it off and probably moved on too. She still calls you every day and you persistently ignore all the calls. You blocked her on all social networks and eventually, you changed your number, and then changed it again, and again until eventually you gave up because she continuously surprises you with a call. You ask yourself where she gets the number but not keenly enough. And then one night you are having supper with your mother and she casually asks how the ‘mother of your child’ is doing. Taken aback you ask her what she is talking about and her answer shines light on everything that has been happening to you, mostly about how your girlfriend just slapped you and walked away without a word. This is a girl to be reckoned with. She will try all the tactics to keep you and when that fails, she’ll convince anyone willing to lend her an ear how she is pregnant with your child and how she is meant to be your wife. If all fails, she resorts to blackmail. ‘If you leave me, am going to kill yourself’! This girl is probably not even in love with you, she is just obsessed with the thought of being your girlfriend. And there is no escaping her because this girl can track you to Timbuktu, no jokes! How to avoid her? There is no avoiding her. You just have to man up and wait till she gets another guy to be obsessed about, I think. But do not make the mistake of ever being nice to her, that’s how you’ll end up dead in a ditch with your manhood in your mouth. She’s that crazy!

The next category is called the recycle ex. Let me elaborate by giving you a scenario. Your girl friend (note the space between girl and friend) calls you in the middle of the night crying. Reason being she broke up with her boyfriend because she caught him cheating. You comfort her and she seems like she is on the right path. You make the effort and introduce her to the douche bags you know all in the name of ‘getting her over’ him. You lose touch but you assume that she is well on the road to recovery. Five months down the line, she calls you again in tears to say she is done with that man for good this time. You are confused as you didn’t even know she got back together with the said guy. She embarrassingly admits that she forgave him because he was really ‘sorry’ and he promised to never do it again. ‘In fact, he took me to meet his mum just to show me how serious he was with me’. I nod and smile and ask what happened this time around, ‘caught him getting a blowjob’ but he swears he wasn’t going to do it with her. She just took ‘him’ in her mouth and it’s not his fault, he just has a weakness (being a man can be a weakness). So I ask, “are you thinking of forgiving him?” she looks timidly at me and says “I might”! And so she does! And then breaks up again for a month and then gets back together. It’s a cycle that never ends and if the guy doesn’t come to apologize, she’ll find a way to be ‘just in the neighborhood and thought I should drop by’ and the cycle continues. This is a cycle that forms so many circles around them and sticks these two ‘exes’ together, and when the love between them dies, familiarity takes over.

Then there is the enemy ex. This varies from one female to another. There are those girls who will consider the ex an enemy but still be civil to him and there are those who will want to crash him, blend his body and feed the soup to the pigs. I never get why they choose to personalize their break ups. You tried to be something, you broke down along the way and both of you walked away, what’s with all the hard feelings and melodrama? You wanted him to follow you and show you he really needed you and now that he didn’t do as you ‘expected’ he becomes a sworn enemy? Makes sense! If you are in this category, don’t be surprised why all her girl friends stopped talking to you and you were friends before her, it’s called solidarity! You will meet (of course by chance because otherwise she avoids you like a plague) and for the civil one, she’ll say hi and exchange pleasantries for like a minute and then call up her girls when you are not within earshot and say how her day has just been ruined. She never sees anything good about you since you broke up and the next girlfriend you get will also be her sworn enemy, whether she knows her or not! That’s the mild version of this camp. The extremist is quite different, a close cousin to the f*****d ex but not quite there. This girl will treat you like you died when you broke up and actually treat you like a ghost; invisible! She will walk past you and ignore your salaams. She will not only hate your next girlfriend, she will go to the extent of threatening her, mostly verbally but some do get physical. Asked whether they want the guy back, “do I look retarded?” is the common response. Do they get over this? Again, I do not know but I guess eventually they mature.

Then there is the ‘special’ ex. This is the guy who can still get it regardless of who broke up with whom or who did what. Most girls have one of this. It can be that the guy knows his way around the bed or he just knows his way around her body but whichever the reason, if he calls, she goes. Whether there is a current boyfriend and/or girlfriend involved doesn’t matter, they are good and they get it as good as they give. Do girls consider this cheating? Hell no! It’s reminiscing the good old days! The good news is that this kind of guys never gets the girl back, the bad news being he never goes away either. But as the current man in her life, take comfort in the saying that ‘what you don’t know doesn’t hurt you’!

And the last category is the friend ex category. Almost all my exes fall here. We tried, it didn’t work out, maybe one of us cried for a night or so, we moved on, why can’t we be friends? Sure, before you are friend zoned you are given a ‘treat’ (better than you remember) that makes you think it was a mistake letting her go but after that, she completely friend zones you. You get buried so deep in the friend zone and no matter how hard you try; you never seem to make any progress. Do not waste your energy, she got over you and if you want to be in her life at all, the only way to do it is to be her friend. In my case, not all of them get the treat; just those that made me shed a tear or two. I remember a joke I read a while back “your ex asking to be friends is like kidnappers asking to keep in touch with the victim” hehehe! Anyway, feel free to share how you look at your exes in the comment box.

can we still be friends?
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4 thoughts on “yeah, that’s my ex!

  1. Since June… I should be killed for this late reply. Let’s see, number of exes should be a figure related to 7, including those guys who lasted 2 weeks.

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