“……baby if i told you the right words, uuhh at the right time, you’d be mine…..” that is the song that’s going through my head. Right now am in a situation where am wondering whether it would have made a difference had i expressed myself differently. Whether if i had said the right words, my situation would be different. If i had a second chance or if i got a time machine and traveled back in time, would i do anything different? Would i seize the moment and say all the things that i have bottled up inside? Probably not.. methinks i wouldn’t do nor say anything different.
I keep thinking that if i actually said the words “i need you” or “i love you” or even “i don’t want you to go” once, just once, i wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. But then if i did say the words, that wouldn’t have been me. You see, am too proud to actually come out and say such to a fellow breathing person, because then, it would mean that another person would have gotten under my skin to the point where i was ready to admit it to myself and to the said person, which might happen but i would never admit. The thing is, the ‘might’ turned into a reality and a person did get under my skin. I wish i could say ‘it just happened’ or that ‘i did not see it coming and it caught me completely off guard’ but it did not. It didn’t sneak up on me while i wasn’t looking. No, i saw it coming. At first, it was like when a train leaves a station, slow….so slow that you could chase and climb aboard, or jump off. That should have been my cue to get off but no, i didn’t. I stayed and watched as it gradually gained speed. While in the past my mind would have wandered when my head lay on his chest, i started to focus on the heartbeat in my ear and i would let that sooth me. While his kiss felt weird and awkward at first, i learned how to mould my lips to his. While my eyes focused on everything but him in the beginning, i started to drink in his sight and memorize his features for when he wasn’t with me. The creepy smelling of my hair got sensual. His lazy stare over me turned me on, and i cherished his secret glances when he thought i wasn’t paying attention.
I watched it all grow and in every step of the way i kept thinking, i should say something. Let him know how i feel. Let him know he wasn’t alone in it. That even when i said nothing, i thought and felt everything. But still i kept mum! How did i expect him to know? Well, i found songs with lyrics that said everything i wanted to say and sat with him while we listened. i thought that he would take that as a sign…he didn’t! I thought ‘there’s no way he could miss this message’ and to reduce chances of him missing it, i replayed such songs endlessly and exclaimed how much i loved the lyrics and how the came from the heart. But as the current situation sinks in, i realize just how wrong i was for thinking that just because i played a song that went on like “….stay with me, baby stay with me….”, he got the message. He missed the message and when the time came for me to ‘speak’, i smiled, picked up a blunt and asked, ”shall we?”
Now that he is gone, i am left here, listening to the songs and wondering why he isn’t seated beside me, and am thinking, ‘if only i had said the right words….’
P.S i wish you were here!