This has been a very confusing week for me. So confusing, that i do not have any recollection of being sober this week; so yeah, i can officially say i know how people get hooked on drugs. Am not one of those people who spill guts out when their lives are falling apart. Am one of those who conspire, or rather aid, life when it decides to mess me. So when life decides that i have been having too much sugar and cream and decides to throw in lemons, it finds that i already have a vodka, asking ‘when are we doing this thing?’ So yeah, it is kind of hard to help me till i say i decide i need it. And i never do, that’s just me. Notice the many I’s there!
Anyways, this week has been one of those weeks! Usually, when am going through a rough patch, i use up good memories that i have saved up over-time to get through it. Sometimes it works, and sometimes, it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, i visit a liquor store, and a peddler, then sit in a corner and wait for life to come screw me over. But the best part is always seeing the look on life’s face when it approaches and you flash that “started the party without you” grin! It might not be worth it, but it definitely feels good. So, yes, i have been in a rather destructive mood lately, and no, its not because of boys, or school…..maybe a little about school…but its all been rather idiotic!
I believe that if i were to start over, i should do so with a clean slate. Some people have been known to shave their hair as a way of starting over but let me state, am not among those people so my hair stays intact. Some become ‘saved’, the meaning has become too loose nowadays and hence the quotes; some actually find Jesus, i mean the Mexican one (no offense to those who find the real one). Others turn to new experiences; new lovers; new jobs and others move to new places. I never get why moving is usually associated with a ‘clean slate’.
The meaning of ‘clean slate’ as Google knows it, is ‘an opportunity to start over without prejudice’. Mine is more or less the same, the difference is i how i take it. Usually, when i hear of the phrase clean slate, the picture that comes to mind is a dirty plate that gets cleaned, so clean, you see a reflection. When it comes to life, what i get is that you have to damage it completely, so that when you do change, the memory of your lowest point would serve to remind you how low you can get. And you work your a**e off to make sure you never get back to that corner there again. So, that’s what am doing. Am deliberately working on destroying the little sanity that’s left in me so that i will appreciate the little sanity i will gather in my state of insanity. So that, when i do come out of my shell for some fresh air, i will really know the difference and appreciate it even more.
Is there an easier and maybe better way? Probably! I could talk to someone and listen to what they have to say, but to be honest, there,s nothing that anyone can say right now that i haven,t already told myself! Yes, i am that smart! Lol! But if i am not ready to listen to myself, i am definitely not ready to listen to anyone else! And besides, who doesn’t like a challenge? I don’t do “Easy”! So i choose this path, and i will follow it to the end because this is all i know. This is who i am. If you have an issue with that, the photo below is specially for you…..unless it’s you mum!