Life Musings!

We only fail the day we refuse to struggle…

I need to be left alone. You whisper quietly to yourself, to your mind hoping beyond hope that your mind will take it seriously and just stop. Just for a minute. Not for long. Just for a minute. Long enough to organize the compartments. Long enough to reach into the jungle of half strings that threatens to choke you at every corner and turn. Long enough to hush the screams that always deafen you on the inside, the horror screams that never seem to go away or even dissipate with all the smiles that you show the world. The chaos in my mind frightening and engulfing me, drowning every fiber of sense that I could clutch at, leaving me empty and hollow. With thoughts of distractions to destructions in my head. Seeing the light one moment and when it finally feels like I almost have it, the light shifting to the shadows that purposely work to make me blind. Blind of anything but my existence, if it could be could that.

Someone whispers to me, what are you doing? I would look around expecting some foul breathed creature looking at me intently with disgust in its eyes and hate crowding its face but all I see is nothing. Am breathing, I would think to myself. What for? It would persist. And I would be lost. Holding my breath hoping for a revelation, feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded but no answer. What for indeed? The massive weight of the world threaten to cripple me, how do I take a step when am overwhelmed by all this weight, all these thoughts that threaten my every step, that suffocate me at every turn. How and when did it all pile here I ask. I look ahead and struggle, each day at a time girl, I silently encourage myself. Sometimes it’s too much and that don’t even work, so I whisper, an hour a day girl and when that insistently fail, I focus on the seconds. One second at a time. I don’t know what I’ll focus on if ever that gets to be too much. When that second will seem to kill my vibe. Vibe? What vibe? You call this movement of chest, this dragging of air in and out of your pathetic system vibe? I cringe.

This can’t be it. I say that as often and as convincingly as I can. Maybe eventually some part of me will listen, and maybe that part will grow and strengthen my whole system, but in the meantime, what do I do? What do I tell myself? What will keep me grounded when the whole world is shifting around me and I feel stuck, my feet sinking into the quicksand I didn’t know I had stepped on? Where will my heart lead my feet? I laugh. The cold slab of meat inside me that supposedly pumps and keeps me upright is my salvation? My compass? Sighs. I got lost even before I started it would seem. Were it possible, I would call it a day. Disintegrate all my parts and bid each goodbye. See you legs, may your feet forever follow the light. Oh brain, this is the end for us, may your activities be factual now that the mind has left you, and oh, don’t forget to keep in touch. Yes mouth, this is really it! Maybe if I had used you better, we wouldn’t be in this hole of despair that we find ourselves in. Stomach, it was always a pleasure but maybe life would be easier without you, I certainly hope so. Eyes, for all we have seen and all I expected to see, am tempted not to part with you…but you are troublesome in your fixture. Sometimes I believed if I didn’t see it, I wouldn’t need it, or want it, so take care and maybe you should take the ears with you for company. Oh, you have the other eye for company, well, good riddance to you then. Ears, you have heard so much and listened so little, why is that? The mind is to blame? Look at you passing off blame so effortlessly. May the sounds of the world be kinder!

Only then would I find peace I guess…probably! I don’t know! So I breathe and hide behind my glasses, push back the tears that brim over, square my shoulders and shift the weight around them. We will only fail the day we refuse to struggle,

The campus experience

The friends…that was the best part of campus for me…the bonds that have been created, the company, the memoirs, and the love and ‘hate ‘ felt…that was the best part of campus!

klausjnr

Image 

Have you ever had one of those awesome dreams? Yeah, the kind where you wish you didn’t have to wake up and could just sleep on forever? Well that’s what my life kind of feels like right now. It feels like I am in that place, you know, where my life is all good; no stress, no books and even fewer worries. Please don’t wake me up. I want to experience this dream forever.

This is just about how good it feels when you FINALLY get through university, when you finally say a long overdue farewell to campus, books and most importantly, to exams.

“Fare thee well, you exams. You were a worthy challenge, one that kept me up many nights, gave me numerous headaches, always disappointed, rarely rewarded and an overall pain in the ass. You will not be missed.”

Sincerely,

Every graduate-elect

As with every journey and…

View original post 901 more words

Go Red Crazy!

This being my first post this year, i guess i should start by wishing my readers happy new year, or should it be happy old year, since the first month is already down. I hope you all had a fantastic first month and for those of us who didn’t, lets hope that the rest of it would be somewhat kinder. Mine wasn’t so bad, although it didn’t go as i had thought it would, but then again, what does? But enough about that.

I have been going through a not-so-easy time and that is why i haven’t written for so long. That and also the fact that my network connection had a problem with my laptop. Or something along those lines, am not gonna pretend to be a tech savvy chick. To all my Manchester united readers, take heart, Arsenal was there for eight years and their patience is finally paying off so, hold on tight, the worst might still be on its way. And speaking of the worst, valentine is around the corner, more or less. The streets are starting to turn a red shade and its still weeks away, and to top that off, couples are starting to appear from all corners. Today i took a walk around campus and it felt like it has become a crime for anyone to walk alone. I didn’t get that memo! And PDA has taken the front seat, almost puked like four times before i decided to terminate the walk idea. It’s like a bug has bitten and bitten hard, although that seem to have skipped me too. Smh!

Am not a valentine hater. But am not what i would call a lover either. I would never be confused for St. Valentine or anything like that. I think the only part i like about the whole business is the color ‘red’ business. Its an amazing transformation. Overnight, everything goes from being dull and normal to red and….red! It’s like a Christmas but instead of snow, its red! The hawkers also keep up with the calendar, and decide that since its valentines, who would like to buy any other color beside red? and they go red crazy! From belts to shoes to plums and apples, some even start hawking meat just because it is red. I have nothing against red, i have a red belt and two pairs of earrings to prove it, but i feel valentine kinda stretches red to the limit. I bet if it were alive, it would sit in a corner as from January and cry everyday of every hour just thinking of the upcoming month, and then after Feb, or rather, after 14th, it would go on a holiday to Jamaica or the Caribbean  just to recover till December! That has to be my stupid thought of the day so just roll with it 🙂 .

Well, come Feb 14th, nothing much will be happening in my corner. I had thought it would be different this year but it would seem that i counted my chicks before the eggs hatch, turns out the eggs i held were Easter eggs! I had not imagined flowers or chocolate or anything like that, but i had thought it would play out differently from the past valentines. Somehow, i feel cheated. But then again, i hear valentine is about celebrating love because some priest died for it or something long that line of thought (yes, i could Google and confirm but i won’t! its too much work and also because i think dying for love is quite funny…haha funny!) but yes, its about celebrating love, and i have also heard that it is quite specific about the type of love that is to be celebrated but because am a bad-ass, i will choose to celebrate love in general. So in that spirit, am planning to wear a green velvet dress (or drab) because i love nature and i want it (nature) to know that someone cares about it and its color. And also cos I need a reason to wear that dress. Its really hideous! 

But for the rest of you main-streamers, am sure photos of flowers, chocolates and teddy bears will be flooding my homepages on social media but because i don’t want to gorge my eyes out and shoot them, am going to avoid that tirade of red crazy and go catch a movie or something. Besides, the one person who might have convinced me otherwise is in the neighboring country and will be there for the next four or three months. Long after red has gone on holiday!

Happy Valentines people! Go red crazy!

 

 

Oh Look, A Flying F**k!

This has been a very confusing week for me. So confusing, that i do not have any recollection of being sober this week; so yeah, i can officially say i know how people get hooked on drugs. Am not one of those people who spill guts out when their lives are falling apart. Am one of those who conspire, or rather aid, life when it decides to mess me. So when life decides that i have been having too much sugar and cream and decides to throw in lemons, it finds that i already have a vodka, asking ‘when are we doing this thing?’ So yeah, it is kind of hard to help me till i say i decide i need it. And i never do, that’s just me. Notice the many I’s there!

Anyways, this week has been one of those weeks! Usually, when am going through a rough patch, i use up good memories that i have saved up over-time to get through it. Sometimes it works, and sometimes, it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, i visit a liquor store, and a peddler, then sit in a corner and wait for life to come screw me over. But the best part is always seeing the look on life’s face when it approaches and you flash that “started the party without you” grin! It might not be worth it, but it definitely feels good. So, yes, i have been in a rather destructive mood lately, and no, its not because of boys, or school…..maybe a little about school…but its all been rather idiotic!

I believe that if i were to start over, i should do so with a clean slate. Some people have been known to shave their hair as a way of starting over but let me state, am not among those people so my hair stays intact. Some become ‘saved’, the meaning has become too loose nowadays and hence the quotes; some actually find Jesus, i mean the Mexican one (no offense to those who find the real one). Others turn to new experiences; new lovers; new jobs and others move to new places. I never get why moving is usually associated with a ‘clean slate’.

The meaning of ‘clean slate’ as Google knows it, is ‘an opportunity to start over without prejudice’. Mine is more or less the same, the difference is i how i take it. Usually, when i hear of the phrase clean slate, the picture that comes to mind is a dirty plate that gets cleaned, so clean, you see a reflection. When it comes to life, what i get is that you have to damage it completely, so that when you do change, the memory of your lowest point would serve to remind you how low you can get. And you work your a**e off to make sure you never get back to that corner there again. So, that’s what am doing. Am deliberately working on destroying the little sanity that’s left in me so that i will appreciate the little sanity i will gather in my state of insanity. So that, when i do come out of my shell for some fresh air, i will really know the difference and appreciate it even more.

Is there an easier and maybe better way? Probably! I could talk to someone and listen to what they have to say, but to be honest, there,s nothing that anyone can say right now that i haven,t already told myself! Yes, i am that smart! Lol! But if i am not ready to listen to myself, i am definitely not ready to listen to anyone else! And besides, who doesn’t like a challenge? I don’t do “Easy”! So i choose this path, and i will follow it to the end because this is all i know. This is who i am. If you have an issue with that, the photo below is specially for you…..unless it’s you mum!

The Right Words!

“……baby if i told you the right words, uuhh at the right time, you’d be mine…..” that is the song that’s going through my head. Right now am in a situation where am wondering whether it would have made a difference had i expressed myself differently. Whether if i had said the right words, my situation would be different. If i had a second chance or if i got a time machine and traveled back in time, would i do anything different? Would i seize the moment and say all the things that i have bottled up inside? Probably not.. methinks i wouldn’t do nor say anything different. 

I keep thinking that if i actually said the words “i need you” or “i love you” or even “i don’t want you to go” once, just once, i wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. But then if i did say the words, that wouldn’t have been me. You see, am too proud to actually come out and say such to a fellow breathing person, because then, it would mean that another person would have gotten under my skin to the point where i was ready to admit it to myself and to the said person, which might happen but i would never admit. The thing is, the ‘might’ turned into a reality and a person did get under my skin. I wish i could say ‘it just happened’ or that ‘i did not see it coming and it caught me completely off guard’ but it did not. It didn’t sneak up on me while i wasn’t looking. No, i saw it coming. At first, it was like when a train leaves a station, slow….so slow that you could chase and climb aboard, or jump off. That should have been my cue to get off but no, i didn’t. I stayed and watched as it gradually gained speed. While in the past my mind would have wandered when my head lay on his chest, i started to focus on the heartbeat in my ear and i would let that sooth me. While his kiss felt weird and awkward at first, i learned how to mould my lips to his. While my eyes focused on everything but him in the beginning, i started to drink in his sight and memorize his features for when he wasn’t with me. The creepy smelling of my hair got sensual. His lazy stare over me turned me on, and i cherished his secret glances when he thought i wasn’t paying attention.

I watched it all grow and in every step of the way i kept thinking, i should say something. Let him know how i feel. Let him know he wasn’t alone in it. That even when i said nothing, i thought and felt everything. But still i kept mum! How did i expect him to know? Well, i found songs with lyrics that said everything i wanted to say and sat with him while we listened. i thought that he would take that as a sign…he didn’t! I thought ‘there’s no way he could miss this message’ and to reduce chances of him missing it, i replayed such songs endlessly and exclaimed how much i loved the lyrics and how the came from the heart. But as the current situation sinks in, i realize just how wrong i was for thinking that just because i played a song that went on like “….stay with me, baby stay with me….”, he got the message. He missed the message and when the time came for me to ‘speak’, i smiled, picked up a blunt and asked, ”shall we?”

Now that he is gone, i am left here, listening to the songs and wondering why he isn’t seated beside me, and am thinking, ‘if only i had said the right words….’

 

P.S i wish you were here!

…..if only i could turn back time!

Am back! I have had what many would term as a good holiday seeing as how for three months, i did nothing but laze around, earn cash for my upkeep in a stress-free job and eat! Yes, i have gained weight which will be shed off in less than three weeks, and no, i do not have any plans of joining a gym. Its the climate change, you could say, all this cold, and no more of mum’s cooking, and classes, and assignments, they are all bound to take their toll on me. And they do take it, faster than i would, perhaps, like but then again, am not much of a complainer. I accept and move on. Which reminds me, ever sat or conversed with someone, for say, two or three hours but afterwards you feel very sad? Not because of what was said or what feelings the said person invoked in you, no. You feel sad because you know you just lost three hours that you will never get again, and for what? So that some guy can talk his heart off? Or because you are a polite person who find it hard to tell someone off with their boring stories? So what do you do? You sit and listen to mindless rumble that does not even concern you.

Unfortunately, i did a lot of that. I wasted so much of my time with people who did not mean much to me and now that am back to my ‘life’, i look back and feel sad. Because all that time i lost i will never get back. And that’s not even the saddest part. The saddest part is that i had the chance to spend my time with people who actually matter and i didn’t. Do i blame my politeness? I could, except, i do not think am that polite. I might not tell you off and all but i simply tune off. So, yes, go ahead and tell me your life history and how you got heart broken at one point or another, and i will sit there and listen to you and think of reasons as to why you will be blocked from my life afterwards. I do not mind people pouring their hearts out to me, on the contrary, it is rather entertaining. But it is not entertaining if it is not my business or if it doesn’t concern me. You want a friend to listen to your woes and give you advice, am your girl. i will not judge you, i will simply tell you the reality that you insist on blocking. You might not like it but that is not my worry! My duty would be to tell you the truth that you refuse to believe! But never again will i sit and listen to someone and later ask myself why on earth i wasted that much time! I refuse to be ‘used’ like that again. I guess its time i learnt the difference between being a good friend and being wasted by ‘friends’. 

Now, the following song MIGHT not have a connection to this post but it has been in my head since i got back to school. Do have a listen and enjoy it. Feeling like am living on borrowed time!

P.S bottom line is, spend time with people who make you happy!