Life Musings!

We only fail the day we refuse to struggle…

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I need to be left alone. You whisper quietly to yourself, to your mind hoping beyond hope that your mind will take it seriously and just stop. Just for a minute. Not for long. Just for a minute. Long enough to organize the compartments. Long enough to reach into the jungle of half strings that threatens to choke you at every corner and turn. Long enough to hush the screams that always deafen you on the inside, the horror screams that never seem to go away or even dissipate with all the smiles that you show the world. The chaos in my mind frightening and engulfing me, drowning every fiber of sense that I could clutch at, leaving me empty and hollow. With thoughts of distractions to destructions in my head. Seeing the light one moment and when it finally feels like I almost have it, the light shifting to the shadows that purposely work to make me blind. Blind of anything but my existence, if it could be could that.

Someone whispers to me, what are you doing? I would look around expecting some foul breathed creature looking at me intently with disgust in its eyes and hate crowding its face but all I see is nothing. Am breathing, I would think to myself. What for? It would persist. And I would be lost. Holding my breath hoping for a revelation, feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded but no answer. What for indeed? The massive weight of the world threaten to cripple me, how do I take a step when am overwhelmed by all this weight, all these thoughts that threaten my every step, that suffocate me at every turn. How and when did it all pile here I ask. I look ahead and struggle, each day at a time girl, I silently encourage myself. Sometimes it’s too much and that don’t even work, so I whisper, an hour a day girl and when that insistently fail, I focus on the seconds. One second at a time. I don’t know what I’ll focus on if ever that gets to be too much. When that second will seem to kill my vibe. Vibe? What vibe? You call this movement of chest, this dragging of air in and out of your pathetic system vibe? I cringe.

This can’t be it. I say that as often and as convincingly as I can. Maybe eventually some part of me will listen, and maybe that part will grow and strengthen my whole system, but in the meantime, what do I do? What do I tell myself? What will keep me grounded when the whole world is shifting around me and I feel stuck, my feet sinking into the quicksand I didn’t know I had stepped on? Where will my heart lead my feet? I laugh. The cold slab of meat inside me that supposedly pumps and keeps me upright is my salvation? My compass? Sighs. I got lost even before I started it would seem. Were it possible, I would call it a day. Disintegrate all my parts and bid each goodbye. See you legs, may your feet forever follow the light. Oh brain, this is the end for us, may your activities be factual now that the mind has left you, and oh, don’t forget to keep in touch. Yes mouth, this is really it! Maybe if I had used you better, we wouldn’t be in this hole of despair that we find ourselves in. Stomach, it was always a pleasure but maybe life would be easier without you, I certainly hope so. Eyes, for all we have seen and all I expected to see, am tempted not to part with you…but you are troublesome in your fixture. Sometimes I believed if I didn’t see it, I wouldn’t need it, or want it, so take care and maybe you should take the ears with you for company. Oh, you have the other eye for company, well, good riddance to you then. Ears, you have heard so much and listened so little, why is that? The mind is to blame? Look at you passing off blame so effortlessly. May the sounds of the world be kinder!

Only then would I find peace I guess…probably! I don’t know! So I breathe and hide behind my glasses, push back the tears that brim over, square my shoulders and shift the weight around them. We will only fail the day we refuse to struggle,

Oh Look, A Flying F**k!

This has been a very confusing week for me. So confusing, that i do not have any recollection of being sober this week; so yeah, i can officially say i know how people get hooked on drugs. Am not one of those people who spill guts out when their lives are falling apart. Am one of those who conspire, or rather aid, life when it decides to mess me. So when life decides that i have been having too much sugar and cream and decides to throw in lemons, it finds that i already have a vodka, asking ‘when are we doing this thing?’ So yeah, it is kind of hard to help me till i say i decide i need it. And i never do, that’s just me. Notice the many I’s there!

Anyways, this week has been one of those weeks! Usually, when am going through a rough patch, i use up good memories that i have saved up over-time to get through it. Sometimes it works, and sometimes, it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, i visit a liquor store, and a peddler, then sit in a corner and wait for life to come screw me over. But the best part is always seeing the look on life’s face when it approaches and you flash that “started the party without you” grin! It might not be worth it, but it definitely feels good. So, yes, i have been in a rather destructive mood lately, and no, its not because of boys, or school…..maybe a little about school…but its all been rather idiotic!

I believe that if i were to start over, i should do so with a clean slate. Some people have been known to shave their hair as a way of starting over but let me state, am not among those people so my hair stays intact. Some become ‘saved’, the meaning has become too loose nowadays and hence the quotes; some actually find Jesus, i mean the Mexican one (no offense to those who find the real one). Others turn to new experiences; new lovers; new jobs and others move to new places. I never get why moving is usually associated with a ‘clean slate’.

The meaning of ‘clean slate’ as Google knows it, is ‘an opportunity to start over without prejudice’. Mine is more or less the same, the difference is i how i take it. Usually, when i hear of the phrase clean slate, the picture that comes to mind is a dirty plate that gets cleaned, so clean, you see a reflection. When it comes to life, what i get is that you have to damage it completely, so that when you do change, the memory of your lowest point would serve to remind you how low you can get. And you work your a**e off to make sure you never get back to that corner there again. So, that’s what am doing. Am deliberately working on destroying the little sanity that’s left in me so that i will appreciate the little sanity i will gather in my state of insanity. So that, when i do come out of my shell for some fresh air, i will really know the difference and appreciate it even more.

Is there an easier and maybe better way? Probably! I could talk to someone and listen to what they have to say, but to be honest, there,s nothing that anyone can say right now that i haven,t already told myself! Yes, i am that smart! Lol! But if i am not ready to listen to myself, i am definitely not ready to listen to anyone else! And besides, who doesn’t like a challenge? I don’t do “Easy”! So i choose this path, and i will follow it to the end because this is all i know. This is who i am. If you have an issue with that, the photo below is specially for you…..unless it’s you mum!

The Right Words!

“……baby if i told you the right words, uuhh at the right time, you’d be mine…..” that is the song that’s going through my head. Right now am in a situation where am wondering whether it would have made a difference had i expressed myself differently. Whether if i had said the right words, my situation would be different. If i had a second chance or if i got a time machine and traveled back in time, would i do anything different? Would i seize the moment and say all the things that i have bottled up inside? Probably not.. methinks i wouldn’t do nor say anything different. 

I keep thinking that if i actually said the words “i need you” or “i love you” or even “i don’t want you to go” once, just once, i wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. But then if i did say the words, that wouldn’t have been me. You see, am too proud to actually come out and say such to a fellow breathing person, because then, it would mean that another person would have gotten under my skin to the point where i was ready to admit it to myself and to the said person, which might happen but i would never admit. The thing is, the ‘might’ turned into a reality and a person did get under my skin. I wish i could say ‘it just happened’ or that ‘i did not see it coming and it caught me completely off guard’ but it did not. It didn’t sneak up on me while i wasn’t looking. No, i saw it coming. At first, it was like when a train leaves a station, slow….so slow that you could chase and climb aboard, or jump off. That should have been my cue to get off but no, i didn’t. I stayed and watched as it gradually gained speed. While in the past my mind would have wandered when my head lay on his chest, i started to focus on the heartbeat in my ear and i would let that sooth me. While his kiss felt weird and awkward at first, i learned how to mould my lips to his. While my eyes focused on everything but him in the beginning, i started to drink in his sight and memorize his features for when he wasn’t with me. The creepy smelling of my hair got sensual. His lazy stare over me turned me on, and i cherished his secret glances when he thought i wasn’t paying attention.

I watched it all grow and in every step of the way i kept thinking, i should say something. Let him know how i feel. Let him know he wasn’t alone in it. That even when i said nothing, i thought and felt everything. But still i kept mum! How did i expect him to know? Well, i found songs with lyrics that said everything i wanted to say and sat with him while we listened. i thought that he would take that as a sign…he didn’t! I thought ‘there’s no way he could miss this message’ and to reduce chances of him missing it, i replayed such songs endlessly and exclaimed how much i loved the lyrics and how the came from the heart. But as the current situation sinks in, i realize just how wrong i was for thinking that just because i played a song that went on like “….stay with me, baby stay with me….”, he got the message. He missed the message and when the time came for me to ‘speak’, i smiled, picked up a blunt and asked, ”shall we?”

Now that he is gone, i am left here, listening to the songs and wondering why he isn’t seated beside me, and am thinking, ‘if only i had said the right words….’

 

P.S i wish you were here!

yeah, that’s my ex!

Ever read an update on social media that left you cracking and you can’t seem to get it out of your head? Well, about three weeks back, I read one that said “definition of self-disgust: what I feel when I look at my ex…was I blind the whole time?” (Laughing) That is still funny and it made an impact of some sort because I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. Reading the comments that followed up that update showed clearly that girls really have issue with their exes. I remember one girl saying “at least all you feel is self disgust, I feel like I could kill myself especially when I remember that I shared his bed”! The revelations from that update made me examine my exes carefully and how I treat them, and also how some of my close friends treat their exes. So if you are an ex to some girl out there, chances are that you fall into one or two categories below, on how girls view their exes. Although it also applies to some dudes too.

The first category is the loathed ex. Yes, at one time these girls were absolutely crazy about you and you could have gotten away with anything you did to them, and probably did too. At that time, you were the perfect boyfriend but something happened along the way (the reason you are an ex) and now they just loathe you. And not just you, a part of them also hate themselves for falling for you in the first place and if asked about it right now, they will snort and admit that ‘human is to err and she is just human’. Maybe the reason they hate you is the same reason you broke up but one thing you should know about this type, they never miss an opportunity to say all kinds of things about you. Woe unto you if your pillow talks were your secrets; So, if you ever got weird looks from the girls around your neighborhood or schoolmates who happen to be her friends after you broke up, chances are that’s not coincidence. Is there a way of getting out of this category? I do not know. My guess is that it’s a phase that SOME (keyword) girls will outgrow.

Another category is the f*****d up ex. I think this is the worst kind of ex to be. So you sent her an email or a text breaking up a month ago? But I thought she told me that’s she is carrying your child a week ago? It’s not true? You don’t say! On your side, you broke it off and probably moved on too. She still calls you every day and you persistently ignore all the calls. You blocked her on all social networks and eventually, you changed your number, and then changed it again, and again until eventually you gave up because she continuously surprises you with a call. You ask yourself where she gets the number but not keenly enough. And then one night you are having supper with your mother and she casually asks how the ‘mother of your child’ is doing. Taken aback you ask her what she is talking about and her answer shines light on everything that has been happening to you, mostly about how your girlfriend just slapped you and walked away without a word. This is a girl to be reckoned with. She will try all the tactics to keep you and when that fails, she’ll convince anyone willing to lend her an ear how she is pregnant with your child and how she is meant to be your wife. If all fails, she resorts to blackmail. ‘If you leave me, am going to kill yourself’! This girl is probably not even in love with you, she is just obsessed with the thought of being your girlfriend. And there is no escaping her because this girl can track you to Timbuktu, no jokes! How to avoid her? There is no avoiding her. You just have to man up and wait till she gets another guy to be obsessed about, I think. But do not make the mistake of ever being nice to her, that’s how you’ll end up dead in a ditch with your manhood in your mouth. She’s that crazy!

The next category is called the recycle ex. Let me elaborate by giving you a scenario. Your girl friend (note the space between girl and friend) calls you in the middle of the night crying. Reason being she broke up with her boyfriend because she caught him cheating. You comfort her and she seems like she is on the right path. You make the effort and introduce her to the douche bags you know all in the name of ‘getting her over’ him. You lose touch but you assume that she is well on the road to recovery. Five months down the line, she calls you again in tears to say she is done with that man for good this time. You are confused as you didn’t even know she got back together with the said guy. She embarrassingly admits that she forgave him because he was really ‘sorry’ and he promised to never do it again. ‘In fact, he took me to meet his mum just to show me how serious he was with me’. I nod and smile and ask what happened this time around, ‘caught him getting a blowjob’ but he swears he wasn’t going to do it with her. She just took ‘him’ in her mouth and it’s not his fault, he just has a weakness (being a man can be a weakness). So I ask, “are you thinking of forgiving him?” she looks timidly at me and says “I might”! And so she does! And then breaks up again for a month and then gets back together. It’s a cycle that never ends and if the guy doesn’t come to apologize, she’ll find a way to be ‘just in the neighborhood and thought I should drop by’ and the cycle continues. This is a cycle that forms so many circles around them and sticks these two ‘exes’ together, and when the love between them dies, familiarity takes over.

Then there is the enemy ex. This varies from one female to another. There are those girls who will consider the ex an enemy but still be civil to him and there are those who will want to crash him, blend his body and feed the soup to the pigs. I never get why they choose to personalize their break ups. You tried to be something, you broke down along the way and both of you walked away, what’s with all the hard feelings and melodrama? You wanted him to follow you and show you he really needed you and now that he didn’t do as you ‘expected’ he becomes a sworn enemy? Makes sense! If you are in this category, don’t be surprised why all her girl friends stopped talking to you and you were friends before her, it’s called solidarity! You will meet (of course by chance because otherwise she avoids you like a plague) and for the civil one, she’ll say hi and exchange pleasantries for like a minute and then call up her girls when you are not within earshot and say how her day has just been ruined. She never sees anything good about you since you broke up and the next girlfriend you get will also be her sworn enemy, whether she knows her or not! That’s the mild version of this camp. The extremist is quite different, a close cousin to the f*****d ex but not quite there. This girl will treat you like you died when you broke up and actually treat you like a ghost; invisible! She will walk past you and ignore your salaams. She will not only hate your next girlfriend, she will go to the extent of threatening her, mostly verbally but some do get physical. Asked whether they want the guy back, “do I look retarded?” is the common response. Do they get over this? Again, I do not know but I guess eventually they mature.

Then there is the ‘special’ ex. This is the guy who can still get it regardless of who broke up with whom or who did what. Most girls have one of this. It can be that the guy knows his way around the bed or he just knows his way around her body but whichever the reason, if he calls, she goes. Whether there is a current boyfriend and/or girlfriend involved doesn’t matter, they are good and they get it as good as they give. Do girls consider this cheating? Hell no! It’s reminiscing the good old days! The good news is that this kind of guys never gets the girl back, the bad news being he never goes away either. But as the current man in her life, take comfort in the saying that ‘what you don’t know doesn’t hurt you’!

And the last category is the friend ex category. Almost all my exes fall here. We tried, it didn’t work out, maybe one of us cried for a night or so, we moved on, why can’t we be friends? Sure, before you are friend zoned you are given a ‘treat’ (better than you remember) that makes you think it was a mistake letting her go but after that, she completely friend zones you. You get buried so deep in the friend zone and no matter how hard you try; you never seem to make any progress. Do not waste your energy, she got over you and if you want to be in her life at all, the only way to do it is to be her friend. In my case, not all of them get the treat; just those that made me shed a tear or two. I remember a joke I read a while back “your ex asking to be friends is like kidnappers asking to keep in touch with the victim” hehehe! Anyway, feel free to share how you look at your exes in the comment box.

can we still be friends?

New Eyes…!

                        (start the tune and then read on)

Ever just closed your eyes and wished that when you open them, the world would have regained its color from the grey shade that has taken form…and the ugliness that your eyes seem to see would have magically transformed into something beautiful? I do that all the time. That’s not to say that i see only ugliness in the world, sometimes i just wanna take a breather from this thing called life, just push an invisible pause button for like five minutes. And in that five minutes, life and time should cooperate with each other and take a break. To just stop in the middle of its dealings and just give me five whole minutes; not a day, not an hour……just five minutes of serenity.

But whenever i close my eyes, whether for just a minute or five minutes or even six hours, i find that somehow, my life had managed to screw itself up more than i left it. Sometimes am not even sure who is the boss of me, life or me. Sometimes i wonder whether am just supposed to go with the flow or i should go against the current. Going with the flow means you are just riding the current, you have no idea where the destination is and most of the time you don’t care. Cos its easier to just not care. So what if the current is not smooth and you have to fight off sharks from the little lifeboat you call a life, you’ll make it through….you always make it through and that’s what is important. But, is it? Is that all there is to it? Maybe….maybe not.

Sometimes i think about going against the current. Just gripping the paddles in my hands and paddling upstream as if my life depended on it. And in that instant, it would be. But the thing is, i never know which way is upstream and which is downstream. Just cos sometimes i have it easy doesn’t mean its downstream.I mean, who said that just because its upstream it should be hard? It could be upstream, and easy…..or downstream and hell. Am sure at one time or another we all think about it, where our lives are heading and whether its supposed to be headed that way? Whether we are here to serve a bigger purpose or just to be used as bad examples? Whether all our dreams will come true one day or they were just meant to be that…dreams…? Whether this stream we are on is downstream or upstream?

I wonder about it, a lot more than i should. Especially the part about whether i have a bigger purpose in life or am just a waste of skin lol! And every time i do, i look at my life, how it was a day ago and how i want it to be tomorrow. I panic for like seven seconds when i realize that nothing much has changed about me…the me from yesterday still looks and acts the same today and will probably look and act the same tomorrow. Whether am in the downstream or upstream, it all looks the same to me.

But there is a difference. Maybe too subtle to be noticed immediately, but its there. Its in the way i look at things, the way i look at people, the way i look at myself, that changes every moment. One minute i might be bored to death doing nothing except watching a tree grow old and the next minute, am at the same chair, the same spot, watching the same tree grow old and this time with fascination. That’s what new eyes are all about. Seeing things differently in a spasm of a moment….in a beat of a heartbeat, in a breathe, everything changes. You blink and suddenly, the world is full of colors again and somehow, you feel lighter. That’s the beauty of new eyes.

new eyes…

“It is easy to create new things, change places or do something different but to keep that sense of newness that creates enthusiasm is more difficult. The secret of newness in life is not to do new things constantly, but to see everything you do in new eyes, new insights and a new perspective.”

i would say yes….

i would say yes…

This week’s post is about me….and the constant fog in my life that has finally cleared. Not all of it and definitely not entirely, but i can see a path….and although am not sure if its the right path, am going to take a leap of faith and hope for the best.If you were to ask me to be your girlfriend, my answer would be yes. I would love to be your girlfriend. And not because you are a rebound cos you are not. Not because am lonely, which i admit i sometimes am, but its not the reason i would say yes to your proposal.

Had you asked three months ago, i would have said no and not spared an extra thought on it. Its not that i was that cold or heartless, i was just very engulfed in my keeping my ‘personal space’ and getting to ‘know’ myself that i wouldn’t have wanted to break that. But now, i know that i don’t have to lose my personal space just because I’ll be your girlfriend. Now am ready to share myself with you wholly without wondering if am missing something better out there.

Had you asked a month ago, i would have told you to give me time to think about it. And in that ‘thinking about it’ time, i would have weighed all my options (and they are many). I would have looked at the picture we made to the world, and see whether it was the picture i wanted to portray. I would have talked to my friends and asked their thoughts on you and me. I would have listened to what the do not like about you and asked myself if i would let their thoughts count, and most likely, a month ago, their thoughts would have played a big role in my eventual answer, most likely a no.

A week ago….well, a week ago i would have just smiled and asked you “what took you so long?” but in my head i would have been screaming murder. I would have sat with you and ‘listened’ to you talk while i breathed and struggled to keep breathing. I would have thought with disbelief, ‘why now? why ruin a thing that was going so great with such boundaries?’ I would have wept on the inside for the loss of my freedom. You might ask, why would i have said yes if my feelings were that detached from my answer? Most likely, i would have said yes cos of the good times we have had. I would have said yes because you make me feel like a woman in all aspects of the word. I would have said yes because i might have heard some girl say she had a crush on you and you were acting all interested in her. I would have said yes because, although i wouldn’t have wanted you to be my boyfriend, i wouldn’t have wanted you to be someone else’. So i would have said yes a week ago but for the wrong reasons.

What could have changed in a week you ask? A lot! A lot has changed. Within me and also without me. The way my eyes saw the world is not the same way i see it now. Now i find my mind wondering to a moment shared without inhibitions or thought. To a moment so perfect, i wouldn’t want to relive it for fear of losing something.

I would say yes now because you make me smile, the thought of you make me smile.

I would say yes because you look at me and you make me wish i could see myself the way you see me, cos in your eyes, i redefine perfection.

I would say yes cos i don need to use words around you, my thoughts and yours just connect.

I would say yes because when you kiss me, you close your eyes and kiss me as though your life depended on it. You kiss me as though its the last thing you will ever do.

I would say yes, cos you smile and the only thing that comes to mind is “i have never seen such a lovely heart”. I see your heart in your smile when you smile at me.

I would say yes because you smell my skin and i can feel your mouth curving to a smile on my shoulder. As if you know something the world doesn’t.

I would say yes cos i do not care what anyone thinks of me, but you. I do not know what this thing called love is but with you, i get the feeling that this is it, this is love.

I would say yes because not only do you accept me and all my seven personalities, you love me without reservations.

I would say yes, because you make me feel beautiful, and you chase all my insecurities away.

I would say yes cos at this juncture, my life would suck without you. You make me want to let go of everything and just love you.

All that i discovered in a week. So what can a week change? A lot……it gave me fresh eyes. So, take your time and don’t rush on my account, i will wait for when you ask me to be your girlfriend, and be assured i will say yes.